Here I am, keeping my promises and bringing you another part to this story. You should read the first blog of this series to catch on if you are just joining. Here is a link to it: http://wp.me/p3FLL1-JI
Coming to think of it, I really would take comfort in knowing I am not the only person that has to face these things but it seems like I am and that only adds to the frustration. It’s like no one understands and so yes it’s difficult to escape this issue of “miscommunication” but I am also responsible for my actions đ (it’s one of the perks of ‘adulthood’) so you can only expect so much sympathy from others. Many times because of how frustrating it is, I’ve found myself in tears and trust me, tears don’t come easily on my end.You know when something happened when you were younger and you’re in so much pain you just don’t know what to do with yourself? You’re crying but you want to stop so in an attempt to do that you ironically cry more…way more. You’re there trying to catch your breath while you weep uncontrollably which is not just counterproductive, it’s even more frustrating. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Well yes, this communication thing throws me all the way back into childhood because it is hard. I mean really.
For example, I have been working on my methods of communication or lack thereof for quite some time and there are those who can testify to my changed ‘lifestyle’ đ but because I am not close to a lot of people, when someone who is new comes along and attempts to get into the ‘SheSays’ circle, then they’ll simply get all of me. However, unlike John Legend, some people completely disregard the “perfect imperfections” aspect of this beautiful song of a relationship type of new thing we have going on. So here is what happens, we’d be fine until they realize that I either don’t like to talk and they want me to OR I say something that seems harsh which hurts their feelings and when this happens and conflict arises but note that I am already trying my best. Now of course this person would proceed to teach me about how important it is to watch what you say and how you say it and so on and enlighten me on all my short comings which is something that someone else (God bless them) has already done.
While all of this is happening I am just reminded of how difficult I am and how unkind I must be to say what I say. I feel trapped by my inability to change my unbearable ways over night and have to deal with the harsh reality that not a lot of people are close enough to see my changes and just stomach other people’s reception and responses of and to me. That means that any response I give that is similar to how I usually would respond is attacked (it feels like an attack so that is what I am calling it) at some point regardless of my progress because as I said, not everyone can see it. My head by now is pounding and this whole issue turns into a sickening cycle which goes: “I need to change how I communicate” > “Ok, I’m trying” > “Geez, I made a mistake again” > “Gosh….I need to change how I communicate”. And by then, I want to pull my hair out.
I have come to realize though that my solitary attempts to better my communication skills are futile and so I have opted to do it in solidarity instead with God to help because trust me, He alone has the answers needed to help me to grow out of this, He is all-knowing and ever patient and that is what I need and also with the support of the vast (<- Funny) number of people who are there for me.
So with my burning eyes and a running nose, battered and bruised as a result of these issues I face I would curl up, as the child mentioned earlier would do in their parent's arms, in God's arms and sniff sniffle while I await His guidance while I have my one or two cheer leaders to cheer me up and on.
And that's that guys….next one is Diaries of a Miscommunicator: Family Drama
Mirror of Her Mind 