Hi guys, so now that the semester is over and I have some breathing space and it happens to be the the end of the year. This year has been really difficult and really good at the same time. I had many first experiences and other experiences that I hope are my last and I am going to tell you about it all. Well, what I can remember at least.
The beginning of this year was hard, I was getting over a recently ended relationship and was very scared and confused. This break up was a long and hard one….I wish that kind of thing on not even my worst enemy. That relationship meant the world to me and sadly it seemed that it was more important to me that God….that was not a good thing. At that point in time, I had found that that was the first thing that I had ever done in life that I regretted. No, I didn’t regret the break up…just the entire relationship. I felt as though it had made me into a person that I wished never to be. I decided that I was not going to let all of it deter me however, I pressed through. In the end it all turned out for the better, I am delighted that I am out of that relationship to be honest but I truly and honestly do not regret it. I learned a whole lot of things. I learned that that pain was temporary and only made me stronger. The relationship taught me sacrifice and that unconditional love has a price, I learned that it is possible to love someone through pain and hurt…those things don’t make your love for a person stop. I have learnt that when you truly love someone, you want the best for them no matter what the circumstance and it’s possible to love someone that isn’t meant for you.
That was the beginning of the year for me, just part of it at least. It was a time when I experienced utter disappointment with people that I thought cared about how I felt and just felt alone. It was also when I met some of the most beautiful people that I have ever come across.
There was when I drew closer to God, I had no one else. Who could I have told about how I felt? Who would listen to me without judging me? At that time, the answer was no one. No one but God and so it was Jesus and I all the way. I grew to know him for myself, even though I knew Him before I notice that there is not absolute knowing of God. You can’t know everything about Him, He is too huge! He helped me through my trying times, my pain and showed me the things in myself that I needed to change…not in a judgmental way….but in the most loving way I could have ever experienced. This love is what changed my views on my past relationship and on particular people, this love helped me to look past all that has happened and still see beautiful people that God and I love…this love changed my life. God’s love was one of the most outstanding things I have experienced this year and by extension for my entire life. My eyes and heart have been opened up to sharing the love of God that I have received with anyone I meet.
The most difficult times I had to pull through this year were the deaths of two people that have impacted my life greatly. I have never taken to death well but it is an inevitable experience for us all so I guess I’m going to have to learn to cope better soon. The first one shocked me because it wasn’t something I was prepared for. I had the honor of staying at this person’s home on many occasions and observing what their life is like. Because of him, I knew what it was like to have a father around, I knew what a functioning family looked like. This was one of my good friend’s dad and I couldn’t imagine how what seemed to be the perfect household could be altered in such a great way on such short a notice. I appreciate all that this man has done for me and the impact that he had on my life in a way that no one even knew of. My heart goes out to my friends and their mom because this is their first Christmas without him which must be difficult. I thank God for them all, that entire family has helped me to be who I am today and I love them dearly.
The second death was also a shocker but less because though I really really was wishing for this woman to stay with us, I had a strong feeling that it wouldn’t happen. Over the years I have watched this woman fight breast cancer….she was one of two people that I knew that was fighting this illness. I have always hoped that it would disappear, that I’d have her with me here for much longer. It was difficult looking at her changing her diet, going through chemo, dealing with the pain, loosing her hair….the works. It was hard to watch, but she was THE MOST beautiful persons I promise to ever walk this earth and her life was a gift to us from God. It is still so surreal that someone who is living, breathing, walking and talking could be gone in a matter of moments. She was the one that took my mother and I in when we had to leave our home and had no where else to go, she was the one that supported me no matter what I had to do. She was always there….and I am grateful.
These deaths have taught me to be extra extra grateful and kind to those who are still with me, to treat them with love and respect. They have also helped me to cherish my own mother more, for she is going to leave me one day too and though I pray that day is far from now, she means the world to me and so I have to treat her that way. I’ve learned to love my father also, even though he’s made mistakes and has hurt me and disappointed me, I love him nonetheless. He is part of the reason I am here. Life is precious, it doesn’t matter where it comes from or how it comes….cherish it.
Responsibility is another thing that was loaded up on me this year and to tell the truth….I like it lol. I had the pleasure of working with children and oh how they changed my life and I hope I had some sort of impact on theirs. I have had experiences that have made me a better leader and some that have showed me where I need to grow up a bit. I am grateful….forever for this.
Now this is last thing I’d tell you guys about for now. Remember those people I said I am grateful that I met this year earlier? Yeah…they are the best and I just want you all to know that even when things are not going the way you want them to, someone will be there for you if you let them. I admit though, there are a few times when God wants our attention and He’d do whatever it takes to get it, even if that means leaving you a bit lonely for some time. I truly believe that people, meaning other humans of any sort or kind or race or face, are a blessing…I love them. I especially love those who are a part of my life. I met some of the most outstanding people this year, who have encouraged me, stood by me, looked out for me, they’ve just been great. Even the people who have been a part of my life for a long time but this year they were just extra present God bless them.
This year may have held many challenges for us but give thanks nevertheless. Count your blessings, name them one by one.
I also want to thank you ALL, those of you who have read my laments and my thoughts over the months, I really really appreciate it. I started writing this with a smile, it turned to tears and now I am elated because no matter what has happened…it is all in God’s will and I still have hope and God be praised, I made it through. There are people that go through much much worse than I do, I thank Jesus for my life and for you all. Mwah! Love you guys!
Stay tuned for the Christmas experience blog ^_^