Thank You…

I don’t know what this is guys but let’s just call it art because this is what was in my heart. Get it? Haha…

So many things to cry for
I don’t know which to choose
So many things on my mind
Yet it all comes back to you
So many fears I harbour
Long nights are longer
And it all comes back to you

Your perfection is a blinding light
Piercing through the impurities I wish to mask
Your silence is an answer
To every question I wish not to ask
I feel meager in the light of your allies
Weaker in a fight where strengths arise
Because of every question I wish not to ask

But….

You have humbled me
Carried me
Taught me
Freed me
Loved me
And cut raw into my insecurities
Where now all that is left of me
Is me

Thank you

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Diaries of a Miscommunicator: Burning Eyes and a Running Nose

Here I am, keeping my promises and bringing you another part to this story. You should read the first blog of this series to catch on if you are just joining. Here is a link to it: http://wp.me/p3FLL1-JI

Coming to think of it, I really would take comfort in knowing I am not the only person that has to face these things but it seems like I am and that only adds to the frustration. It’s like no one understands and so yes it’s difficult to escape this issue of “miscommunication” but I am also responsible for my actions :) (it’s one of the perks of ‘adulthood’) so you can only expect so much sympathy from others. Many times because of how frustrating it is, I’ve found myself in tears and trust me, tears don’t come easily on my end.You know when something happened when you were younger and you’re in so much pain you just don’t know what to do with yourself? You’re crying but you want to stop so in an attempt to do that you ironically cry more…way more. You’re there trying to catch your breath while you weep uncontrollably which is not just counterproductive, it’s even more frustrating. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Well yes, this communication thing throws me all the way back into childhood because it is hard. I mean really.

For example, I have been working on my methods of communication or lack thereof for quite some time and there are those who can testify to my changed ‘lifestyle’ :D but because I am not close to a lot of people, when someone who is new comes along and attempts to get into the ‘SheSays’ circle, then they’ll simply get all of me. However, unlike John Legend, some people completely disregard the “perfect imperfections” aspect of this beautiful song of a relationship type of new thing we have going on. So here is what happens, we’d be fine until they realize that I either don’t like to talk and they want me to OR I say something that seems harsh which hurts their feelings and when this happens and conflict arises but note that I am already trying my best. Now of course this person would proceed to teach me about how important it is to watch what you say and how you say it and so on and enlighten me on all my short comings which is something that someone else (God bless them) has already done.

While all of this is happening I am just reminded of how difficult I am and how unkind I must be to say what I say. I feel trapped by my inability to change my unbearable ways over night and have to deal with the harsh reality that not a lot of people are close enough to see my changes and just stomach other people’s reception and responses of and to me. That means that any response I give that is similar to how I usually would respond is attacked (it feels like an attack so that is what I am calling it) at some point regardless of my progress because as I said, not everyone can see it. My head by now is pounding and this whole issue turns into a sickening cycle which goes: “I need to change how I communicate” > “Ok, I’m trying” > “Geez, I made a mistake again” > “Gosh….I need to change how I communicate”. And by then, I want to pull my hair out.

I have come to realize though that my solitary attempts to better my communication skills are futile and so I have opted to do it in solidarity instead with God to help because trust me, He alone has the answers needed to help me to grow out of this, He is all-knowing and ever patient and that is what I need and also with the support of the vast (<- Funny) number of people who are there for me.

So with my burning eyes and a running nose, battered and bruised as a result of these issues I face I would curl up, as the child mentioned earlier would do in their parent's arms, in God's arms and sniff sniffle while I await His guidance while I have my one or two cheer leaders to cheer me up and on.

And that's that guys….next one is Diaries of a Miscommunicator: Family Drama

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Diaries of a Miscommunicator: Lips Sealed

Hi all, I haven’t been here for quite some time and I’m really not supposed to be here right now….but I suppose assignments and exams can wait a while. This is probably the beginning of a series of posts about a particular journey I am on. I hope you enjoy.

I realized a long time ago that I really did not like talking to people, I mean….it included all sorts of meandering emotions and vulnerability and so on which seemed like a lot of wasted energy to me. What I enjoyed doing however was writing, I wrote poetry day in and out and I even started this blog because I wanted an outlet for my thoughts. I could put whatever was on my mind on here and not have to worry about too much. So there I was, lips sealed and bound. I would endure the hardest of trials and only my blue ink faber castell pen and special notebook would know and depending on what it was….it would make it on to the blog as well.

I was ignorant of one thing however, and that was that all those years of keeping things to myself was counter-productive to the very sociable and likable self I wished to be. I didn’t know how to talk to people, I didn’t know how to express how I felt and when I grew the neurons that would help me know how to, I just simply did not want to. And so as my lips remained zipped up, all the things I kept inside (that were definitely growing in number) were taking up all of the space in me and eventually there was no where left for me to place the resources need for good communication. They got thrown out.

As human beings however, we all have to encounter some sort of social living (if that’s what you call it) but yes we are social beings and so I couldn’t run away from interacting with people especially since they are pretty much EVERYWHERE. So I made the most out of the situation and became a very very surface friendly person. I have some people that I have known for years and had very close-like relationships with them but the talking and sharing aspect….yeah….no thanks. The people I was really close to I could count on one hand and get 3 or 4 remainders. And still those relationships weren’t all that because for them, my lips were only half open. I’m sure you could imagine how wonderful I was at miscommunication.

So there is the beginning of an interesting journey, to me. Next time, I’ll tell what happened when I met this one person who blew my sealed lips wide open. :D Sounds painful right? It most certainly was.
Next week Wednesday- “Diaries of a Miscommunicator: Burning Eyes and a Running Nose.”

Sea Remedy

The song of the wind serenaded my soul
Beckoning me to release my worries in a spiral
The symbol of my heart’s pain was felt in the fiery grains beneath my feet
Troubles seemed as numerous as they
The waves know my name by heart
The sun told me bluntly that if I went in, they would love me
It knew I loved them, for the water was my home
Here where tears are unknown
for they run salty like the water in the sea
But no one could tell but me
The wind then again pushes me under with its cold hands
my eyes soon were to glance upon the mountains
To see the clouds that were to bring more of my home to me
The blue green eyes of the waters danced with excitement
Water was to fall at sea
And gracefully and greatly it fell
I looked on in awe as the gifts of heaven and earth met
And as they met they applauded the beauty surrounding them
Overjoyed by this connection
Where even the gifts of the earth attempted to leap towards to sky
They dreamed of living up high within the clouds
And I stood in the excitement, delighted
Troubled thoughts left on the shore
Present thoughts could only adore
As the meeting of heaven and earth ended
And sky merges from grey to blue again
my heart, now full, was painfully empty
for the sea is my therapy

- Gabrielle Mallet

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Rain

I listen to the pattering of the rain
As it drop drops on my window pane
It reminds me of the hearts that have fallen
into nothingness
Those whose names have been called in
out of sadness
I wonder if anyone else can hear
If anyone else can see
Or is it just me
That has the propensity
To listen to the fallen hearts
As they fall in silence
Who feels relieved when the rain stops
But the last drop
Means that heart is already gone
Pitter patter rain
Drop drop on my window pane